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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29790075">i'm sorry (and i love you)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightsinks/pseuds/lightsinks'>lightsinks</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Wilds (TV 2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Character Death, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Loss, Memories, Texting, but if you want some pain this is it, lesbians deserve happiness in canon, not a happy fic, shoni pain</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 03:21:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,146</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29790075</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightsinks/pseuds/lightsinks</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Even years after the island, Toni didn't know why Shelby had kissed her that first time.</p>
<p>Maybe it was just that, deep down, Shelby already cared for her. Loved her in her own strange way. With Toni that close and the air so heated and her thoughts racing so fast, she just hadn't known how to express it other than to just kiss her as quickly as she could. </p>
<p>That's what Toni liked to think, anyway. She wished that she could've had a chance to ask Shelby what the truth was.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>38</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i'm sorry (and i love you)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi this is my first ever fic on this site. It's also sad and tragic and about loss and grief, I guess a bit of a vent? Fair warning, and I'm sorry. I just needed some Shoni tragedy and pain in my life for some reason.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Toni sat on the edge of her bed, scrolling through her and Shelby’s messages, smiling as memories filled her up. It was easy to ignore the dark circles under her eyes, the tears dampening her cheeks, the utter hopelessness in her posture. It was easy to wish it all away, because Toni finally found the message where she first told Shelby how much she loved her.</p>
<p>Life on the island was no recent memory, but the scars and the trauma and the love they gained there were burned into Toni’s skin forever. Tattoos that went layers and layers deep, sinking underneath her skin, into her very being, changing her.</p>
<p>At the time Toni wasn’t keeping track of dates. That was Nora’s thing. But after it was all done, after she’d come back to a home that wasn’t really her home and after the therapy and the tearful phone calls at three am every night, she sat down and figured it all out using a fluffy pink pen in one of Martha’s glittery diaries.</p>
<p>June 21st. That was the day that Shelby and Toni first kissed. An impulsive, feverish, terrifying decision that led to something beautiful. Even now, years later, Toni didn’t know exactly why Shelby did it.</p>
<p>Maybe it was to prove a point. Look, Toni Shalifoe, I don’t hate you for who you are! I just hate me for who I am.</p>
<p>Maybe it was a desperate grab at taking advantage of the situation. That’s what you just told me to do Toni, so I’m doing it!</p>
<p>Or maybe it was just that, deep down, Shelby already cared for her. Loved her, in their own strange way. With Toni that close and the air so heated and her thoughts racing so fast, she just hadn’t known how else to express it other than to just kiss her as quickly as she could.</p>
<p>That’s what Toni liked to think, anyway. She wished that she could’ve had a chance to ask Shelby what the truth was.</p>
<p>When Toni realised how much she trusted Shelby, after struggling with her trust and faith for years, the happiness she felt then was so strong that not even the thought of being stranded on an island could ruin it.</p>
<p>The day they first met up properly after the island was the best day of Toni’s life. She, Martha and Bernice packed up for a trip down south, to Houston. Dot helped Shelby get away from their town and join them in the city.</p>
<p>Toni and Shelby went out in the day like normal fucking teenagers. And God, it felt so good to have that normalcy with her girlfriend. They ate at a diner and got ice cream and sat in a park watching the sunset together. After evening fell, they went to Toni’s hotel room. Toni kissed her girlfriend for the first time in months. Got to feel her skin. Touch her, be touched, be loved. Freely, fully, without reservation.</p>
<p>Shelby fucking Goodkind. Shelby. Shelby Shelby Shelby.</p>
<p>Her warmth. Her scent. Her voice. Her touch.</p>
<p>Everything. It was Toni’s, maybe forever. Maybe if she didn’t fuck it up this time.</p>
<p>After a blissful weekend with the girl she loved, Toni and her family went home, Shelby went home, both of them carrying with them the promise to see each other again.</p>
<p>The second visit was months later, but it was so worth it again. Worth it to feel Shelby next to her, hold her, be with her in a way that was so unguarded and personal and loving. Be with her in a way that was just simply better than phone calls and texts.</p>
<p>Shelby went to college, in New York, living with Nora. Toni spent all her life’s savings on travelling, going to be with her as much as she could while still working and living in Minnesota, helping to support Martha and Bernice after all the kindness they’d shown her for years. Because they were her family as well as Shelby.</p>
<p>Toni kept scrolling through their messages, laughing and sighing and smiling. And crying.</p>
<p>The first unread message was a few weeks back. They’d been talking about everything, as usual, and Shelby had a big trip coming up. Back down to Texas to stay with Dot for a few nights, maybe catch up with her brother and sister if she could. Shelby texted Toni that she was boarding the plane, and Toni wished her a safe flight and told her she loved her. Shelby never opened the message.</p>
<p>The second was a day later. Toni asked her if her flight landed alright.</p>
<p>Then Toni was a little worried, but it was no big deal. Her phone had probably died and she was still on her way to Dot’s.</p>
<p>Dot called Toni a few hours after the message, wondering if she’d heard from Shelby.</p>
<p>The fear that paralysed Toni in that moment was fucking unforgettable. Breathing, living, functioning felt just out of reach.</p>
<p>All the girls were in a frenzy. Bombarding each other with calls, messages, updates. Martha and Toni sat huddled on Martha’s couch, clutching their phones, praying for something. Anything.</p>
<p>It was noon the next day when Dot called again. Her voice was broken, small, dead. She described images to Toni. A derailed fucking train. A freak accident. Just, by chance, a horrible event that most people would look at and think, thank god no one I knew was on that train that day.</p>
<p>But Shelby was.</p>
<p>And now Toni sent unread texts every day.</p>
<p>
  <em>Hey Shelbs. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I know you can't see this, but I miss you. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I wish we could talk. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I'm lonely. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>My room is such a fucking mess. I'm sad. I wish you were here. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Why aren't you here? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Why did you have to leave me? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Why did you decide to get that goddamn plane to Texas and step on that goddamn train when you did? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Why the fuck did you do that Shelby? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>This is your fault. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I fucking hate you. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I love you.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I miss you so much. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I love you more than anyone else on earth. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Please come back. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I want you so badly. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I can't live without you. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Please, Shelby, I love you. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Please, Shelby. Please. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I can’t do this without you. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I can’t keep going knowing you’re gone. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Jesus fucking christ Shelby just give me something. Anything. One fucking sign that you’re not gone i can’t take this i cant take it anyndore i cant ffujckinh d o thids </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>im sorrry </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>and i love you </em>
</p>
<p>At some point it was going to hit Toni, she knew. She’d stop sending unread text messages. She’d accept that the love of her life was gone. All she had was now gone. But right now, all she could do was keep sending them.</p>
<p>It was the only way to not let Shelby Goodkind go.</p>
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